Yesterday’s thoughtful. training all day is just my excuse to get a serious tan on and so that, I was successful. then i go to my boyfriend’s house and come to the complete realization that i absolutely adore his family. enjoying “step brothers” and laughing off with ali and tim and out of nowhere his mother brings me a Tiffany’s necklace as a grad gift, whaaaaat. I am utterly speechless, I have never imagined someone’s mother getting anything this meaningful at this time. My words: WHAT! I can’t take this! it’s too much! you didnt have to! her words: yes we did, we love you! explain to me how i came across such a dear family. ladies & gents, these are the smaller reasons to be infatuated, not the gifts but the type of relationship that is most desired. this one. its perfect.
happy sunday, may tomorrow’s senior ditch day be as adventurous as we plan

my mother asked me to do the online orientation for sbcc and i am on tumblr because i can. and babe is stilll at baseball. no one liked my picture on instagram, i love it hah i’m lame 

i neeeeed more followers :( 

I am literally at the highest peak of my stress, I cannot fathom my confusion, the sheer balance between my life & everyone around me. all the fun events passed so now this is all I am anticipating, graduation. we will all be college bound in a few weeks. bittersweetness has taken over me since march.

another thought. tell me why it takes so much energy to hate someone like you. idk if you even deserve my immaturity towards you fat asshole. reminiscing last summer and I hold back tears in fear of how much I never want to relive that. I just want everything to be simple & quiet. it’s not, nothing is. I nap to escape, but it’s not entirely what I wish to get, the longevity is not enough. I want zero stress from people and work. everyone just does not seem to care one bit. my boyfriend & I both need to trim our hair , that is all.

wtf is that noise,. what’s on my mind tonight? home from precious little hunter’s, half our reading group showed up to watch moneyball. brad pitt mmm, baseball, tommy. yeah he’s taking forever to reply . graduation and summaaa and college hurryyy because i’m so checked out of schooool, i sit and put my earphones in. or chat. both are wasteful of my time. i hate work, trainings are interfering with my plans and i have absolute no satisfaction in the new rules and policies. my room is hot and idk what to wear tomorrow. can i just not go to school. i need a new charger oh ok quad tomorow need to go shopping

Jeez the whole day I’ve been so annoyed because i’m really offended. I invited my closest friends to spend my 18th with me for a reason and you lie to me. Then I see you at school and you don’t say a word or even apologize. If you didn’t wanna come then just say it, don’t lie. Sorry but come on, I miss you and I was excited to catch up with you. Both of you. (Hannah if you read this, I’m talking about two different people not you lmfao).

Second, quit asking me if tommy & I are official yet. Title doesn’t matter. It’s not anyones business but ours whether it’s “official” or not. Why does it even matter to you anyway. That’s one thing I learned from the shithead. If it does end up being that way I will tell the entire freaking world and you could throw a party.

Three, stop fucking talking about all these guys up on your grill. Or that one girl all up on your dick. Girl, it is not cute that one of them was hitting on you at work, and the other asked for your number, and the other asked you on a date and then you have a desire to make out with them because you haven’t in awhile. They aren’t even attractive okay.

And nigga, she doesn’t want your dick. If she did anything, it’s because she’s desperate. Quit bragging to everyone around you about she raped sucked fucked whatever the shit out of your neck. I don’t need to hear it the ENTIRE day.

Thank god for q and hannn, I love them way too much.

I’m so scared that the next guy who comes into my life won’t accept me for who I’ve become. What if they can’t handle it? What if they get so tired of it that they leave me? The last one broke me, I hope it isn’t possible to be even more broken. I’m so afraid of opening up, it had honestly been so long it’s almost like forgot everything.
My mother ruins everything, fuck your attitude you don’t understand. Always nagging the shit outta me about the littlest things.
I feel like everyone left me all at once or something because the feeling of distance keeps getting to me. & I’m constantly fooling myself with the reoccurring struggle of having to fight against the feeling of absent effort from people.

Sunday bliss Perfect weather, perfect music by bon iver, perfect aroma of flowers sitting on the vanity. I can only desire this perfection for so long. No rush to get ready, I’ve planned to take all the time I want to eat breakfast, take my shower, & wait for people so we can all enjoy the superbowl.

It all comes in waves.
Feeling stressed, angry, exhaustion, & lonely. Mostly lonely. Very, very lonely.

I have a test/essay tomorrow on a book half the class didn’t even read. And I have my first gov/econ test tomorrow as well. 60 questions.
I just finished submitting my last two college apps. 10 schools in all.

My motivation & energy for school now has completely disappeared.

Welcome, senioritis.